On
the Care and Keeping of Humans
This is a work of fiction, any resemblance to reality is probably a figment of your imagination.
Image sources may be found Here. Once again, many thanks to John Gray for kindly letting me use his photograph, you can visit him Here!
(Taken
from the lectures of the renowned Miss Eliza
ManyFolds, longtime Keeper of the human: John, discoverer
of the Bulldog penchant for buttered toast crusts.) It is a little
known fact (among humans) that we of the Bulldog race rule the world.
Any person of good sense would realize this, which naturally excludes
those with homo sapiens tendencies; they have yet to make the simple
discovery that we are perfectly capable of understanding their
endless talk. Nor have they figured out that we are perfectly capable
of speech, we simply choose to be taciturn with bipeds. Frankly,
their hairy cousins aren't much better, being mostly full of
nonsense; outwith the great apes of course, although it may simply be
that their size gives them a certain dim dignity, but I digress . . .
Among our many backstairs operations is the covert protection and
guidance of certain important humans. Scoff if you like, even among
the humans there are individuals who can manipulate their world to
make it a more pleasant place, which makes them important. For
instance, where would the proud Bulldog race be without the male who
invented sandwiches or the delightful female who invented the Scotch
egg, hmmm? It goes to prove that even the most disadvantaged creature
can rise above their circumstances, if
given
the proper guidance, discipline and affection. That they have
opposable thumbs simply adds to their usefulness. Keep that firmly in
mind, pups, should you find yourself in charge of one of the
unfortunate
two-legged;
protect those thumbs!
As well, do keep in mind and have patience with
their rather simple-minded assessment of our race's intelligent, good
looks
as 'cuteness' and the oft-times regrettable actions taken as a
result. For example: Yes students, my human, dear as he may
occasionally be, affronted my dignity by offering me a sandwich (why
else would he have left it lying
on
the coffee table unsupervised?) then called me by the peculiar name
he gave me, Petunia of all things, with camera in hand. You must rise
above these occasions as best you can, as I did.
If they become too
profligate with their buffoonery then one may take corrective action
which is appropriate to the offense. Refusing to make eye contact is
good, especially if you hide your face against a wall, as is passing
gas in their direction. Use your Bulldog creativity to maintain the
ascendancy
over
your charge. In fact, during a particularly galling incident where my
male tried to feed me a noxious mixture of sliced bread and something
he referred to as Spam, I climbed surreptitiously into his bed and
shat
on
his sheets. He never again tried to feed me that mess, let me tell
you! Remember: You must remain in control of your temper! Never let a
silly two-legger make you forget your inherent dignity and restraint
so much that you nip or bite; a biter
has
lost control of the situation and may never regain it.
There is one
more responsibility that a Keeper of Humans must be aware of at all
times: the human tendency to become unhappy for oft-times
inexplicable reasons. One may apply to the Institute of Humanalysis
for help, but you may find it to be both quicker and more effective
to attempt some simple remedies of
your
own. Is your person getting enough exercise? It is reasonable to
suppose that those with only two legs lack the stamina that we with
four are happily blessed with, but this doesn't mean they don't
require regular and adequate exercise. Lack of exercise can lead to
such things as: lethargy, loss of appetite, depression, and
constipation. Don't let your human suffer needlessly!
In addition,
your biped may suffer from unmet mating urges stemming largely, so
some suppose, from the female being always in heat. I know, it sounds
quite ridiculous to us and a good deal of research has been done as
to why humans attempt to control these needs so rigidly; they can,
after all, manipulate the frequency of births and (mostly) the number
of pups they have. I suspect we will never have a truly definitive
explanation for human mating peculiarities, but, regardless, if they
are stifling their own needs, then
it
is incumbent on us to take action, albeit subtly. Before we end this
lecture, it may be helpful to share an example with our perspicacious
Trainee Keepers, from my own experience. It would be quite helpful if
young Keeper Michaelangelo BumbleButt joined me on the Speaking Lawn.
He and I both hold responsibility
for
human adults who were desperately suppressing mating urges and both were
suffering from it terribly. As is often the way with these odd
creatures, both worked unimaginably hard at not allowing their
loneliness to show. Fortunately for them, there's no fooling a
Bulldog nose. Equally fortunately, Michaelangelo and I often met at a
nearby park for frolics and to discuss our humans. (Remember pups: If
you meet a Bulldog with a human companion, that biped is important
for some reason.)
After a bit of casual chat about the interesting
smells our people could produce, my young friend opined that his
person was showing definite signs of repressed mating urges. On
further questioning, he admitted that the incessant playing of 'Aida'
had worn down his nerves to the extent that he had considered biting
his charge to make it stop. Having been subjected to bouts of
operatic overload myself, I
could
certainly sympathize, but vehemently warned him not to
descend to the level of biting. After a bit of discussion, we came up with a
reasonable plan and young Michaelangelo trotted off to initiate the
first part, stopped and turned to face me again: “So, Miss Eliza,
is it true your veterinarian said you have a fanny big enough to park
a Mack in?”
The cheeky wee devil certainly pulled off that maneuver
brilliantly! How he heard that unfortunate tale baffles me to this
day, but
it
certainly gave me incentive to chase him down with murder in my eye.
As agreed, when our respective companions dashed up, I managed to
wrap my lead around my John's ankles whereupon he fell right into the
arms of the charming young Professor he'd been sighing over for
days.
Whilst it may not have been quite what humans refer to as 'love at
first sight', they had their first anniversary a fortnight ago. So
keep a stiff upper lip young pups, we Bulldogs shall ever prevail and the world will be better for it!
And with that, I am taking a week off from writing, although not from blogging. In the meantime I will attempt to decide on a better way to plan my writing time.
